


who ARE you?

by human_garbage



Category: Homestuck
Genre: I Apologize For This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm a piece of shit, M/M, Multi, This is mature because I don't know what's going to happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-09 21:55:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 3,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11677842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/human_garbage/pseuds/human_garbage
Summary: What is wrong with me?ENJOYI hope y'all know that I literally update this when I'm tiredThis is horribleI'm sorry if I just ruined your day





	1. the beginning of it

Dirk was sitting on the couch. He was tired. It was three in the morning. Dave walked into the living room and raised an eyebrow at Dirk as he sat next to him. Dirk turned towards him and leaned to his ear, whispering "Eeeyyy, hey how you doin lil mama lemme queasy in your ear" Dave scooted away from Dirk.   
  
"Dude what the fuck?"

Dirk scooted closer and put a finger up to Dave's lips, "Sssh, don't speak. Let me quessy in your jessy."

Dave furrowed his brows, "Are you okay?"

Dirk giggled, "Are YOU okay?"

Dave nodded and scooted further away. Dirk whined, "gurl how about you slide on over and lemme touch your bulldozer"

"No, just no."

"gurl you so fine that yo eyeteeth is line"

"What does that even mean?"

"yo your taco needs to meet my baco"

"sTOP"

"lemme just whisper quesaliy in your naval" Dave got up and walked out of the room with a tired Dirk following behind him. "dddaaaaaavvvveeee. can i give you one of the ol quesadilla in your armadilla? or maybe some of that fodt in your podt?"

"No, no, and no."

"buuuuutttt daaaaaavvveee! would you like one of the good ol doggin hog in your froggin log?"

"What the fuck did I just say? No. Leave me alone." Dave turned into a room and faceplanted on the bed.

Dirk sat on the floor next to the bed, "let me put my dag on your snag. let me put my dirt on your snirt. let me put my lasso in your asso. lemme put my pope on your rope." Dave groaned and put a pillow over his head. "daaaaaaaaavvvvvvvveeeeee, lemme donty in your monty."

"No, leaVE ME ALONE ITS 3 IN THE FUCKING MORNING!"

"but dave, let me touch my booper dooper to your scooper. boi lemme touch your skeet against my meat. lets let our skinks meet."

Dave took the pillow off of his head and sat up, he glared at Dirk, "These don't even make sense."

"sssh, dave its okay, we good, let me hokey pokey into your doki doki. let me slide that wingo into your thingo. let me put my yolk inside your soak."

"Okay, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"no baby, sssh, im not done romancing the shit outta you. boi slide on over here and let me peel your avacado. lemme taste that sweet buttercream of your nice chocolate weem. you put the kink in skink."

"Please stop."

"let me put my dirk inside your jerk. let me jerk your dirk."

"That's it, I'm fuckin' done." Dave got up and walked back to the living room, Dirk was of course trailing behind him. Dave opened the front door and started to leave, when he heard, 

"DAVE LET ME SEE YOUR MEAT BLANKET!"

"OH MY GOD IM MOVING OUT FUCK YOU" And then Dave left and moved in with John.

 

 

The end I'm sorry end me now what's wrong with me


	2. oh no. its a wild dick tip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i am dead inside  
> there is something wrong with me  
> i hate myself  
> end me nOW

Dave decided to visit Dirk again for some idiotic reason that piece of shit. 

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeee"

"Wat?"

  
"you put the cock in coke"

"Not this shit again I swear to god."

"you put the hot in hotel"

"Please stop."

"ho ho holy shit you fine as fuck."

"It's the middle of July."

"well fuck me in the ass and call me daddy, it is?"

"Never say that again  _please._ "

"why?"

"Because."

"because is not an acceptable answer  _daddy_ "

Dave got a little blushy blush "This is why no one loves you."

"that's what the government wants you to think  _daddy_ "

"I SWEAR TO FUCK  **STOP** "

" _daddy daddy daddy_ "

"I hate you, you fucking cuntnugget."

"wot in constant need of validation?"

"NO"  
  
"FUCK ME IN THE ASS THEN"

"WHY ARE WE YELLING"  
  
"I DONT KNOW FUCK ME"  
  
"OKAY I SHALL FUCK YOUR ASS DEAREST BROTHER"

"YISSSS"

Dave took all of their clothes off and was like 'smoochy smooch imma kiss you yay incest'. Dirk was like 'oh yeah baby sweet fuck me i love incest.'

THen dave was like "where is teh lube deareasst brother?"

"the lube would be located in my pocket it is orange falvored because oranges are sweet as fuck."

"ok that is good lemme just" dave grabbued the lube and drizzled it everywhere. that's right,  _everywhere_. dirk was like, 

"goddammit the fuck are you doing? that isnt how ye use lube ya fuckin cock knob."

"oops well its fine, we gotta get nice and slipper. slippery. thats what i meant sure." dave rubbed all that sweet lube in and was like, "wrestle me brohteree."

dirk was like, "bitch no i wanted you to fuck me in teh ass you cuntflower." 

dave was like, "oh yeah u is right ok" and then he pushed hsi meat stick into dirk's black hole. dirk was like 'moan moan this feels nice start thrusting' dave was like 'lol ok i got u'

then dirk was like, " OHG EEGE DAVE TAKE IT OUT I THINK TEHRES A DORITO IN MY BUTT" dave was confused and concerned so he did as told and was like, 

"WHAT IS HE DIUGN HERE"

bill cipher the dorito flew outta dirks now gaping asshole, "I SORRY I CHAEEATED ON YOU WITH HIM AND CHEETO MAN GUY"

dave le gaspued and ate bill cipher bc he a dorito "HWO DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME I LOVED YOU"

dirk rolled over onto his back and sat up, "DAVE I THINK THART IM PREGNANGTTT WITH YOUR CHILD"

"BUT I DIDNT BUT MY BABY BATTER IN YOU"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im literally going to die  
> what is wrong with me  
> i hate myself for writing this  
> im very tired  
> enD ME NOW PLEASE


	3. oh lord i need to stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kill me now i dont know whats wrong with me  
> i apologize this is horrible  
> i think i need professional help

"daaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

"Wot in tarnation do you want?"

"you put the hot in hotdog"

"No leave my house I will fight you."

"jooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnn"  
  
"Yes Dirk?"

"are those space pants because your ass is outta this world?"

john got a little blush and was like, "Dirk please stop while you're ahead."

dirk was like, "nah you have a nice aaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssss"

then john slapped him, "stahp u is pregggooonaut with david striders child, you gotta be faithful."

dirk looked over at dave and was like, "oh shit john is right, i forgot that you have impregnated me somehow."

dave noddded, "ye but u cheated on me with bill dorito cipher and the cheeto guy man"

dirk smiled at him and gave his cheek a smoochy smooch. dave awkwardly smiled back and blinked, "dont touch me ya crusty ho"

dirk le gaspued, "but i love u"

"too bad ya cunt gravy, disgustin'."

 

the end  
END ME NOW


	4. why must i always come back to this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah  
> i dont know whats wrong with me

dirk slapped dave. "bitch ill fight."

dave narrowed his eyes. "lets go then."

"cash me outside."

"wot?"

"fuck you lets go. roof strife noooow."

the two grabbed their swords and went up to the roof. they started doing the fightings. then all of a sudden dirk dropeped his sword. "dave...i think--i think my water just brok! IM GIVING BIRTH TO YOUR CHILD!"

dave le gaspued, his eyes wide in horror. "nu. how? it hasnt even been nine months."

dirk collapsed and tore his pants off. "dave help deliver your child."

"but where is it coming out of?"

"I DONT KNOW! EVERYWHERE?" dirk gave birth out of his belly button to a six foot cactus. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

dave stared in horror. "what the fuck?" dirk just kept giving birth out of everyhitng. and whats this? oh no, he just birthed something out of his dick, his urethra to be exact. it was a small grey figure, only the size of the palm of daves hand. "what is this?"

dirk sat up, "thats an alien abortion. the cactus shall be named henry. that shall be named kevin."

"oh. dirk i have a confession to make."

"what...???"

"i cheated on you with bill dorito cipher and im pomegranate with your child, i took a dna test."

"but...but i bottomed. i never stuck my meat stick in your blackhole. i didnt even fill you with mybaby batter."

"im the virgin mary brother."

"oh."

"oh."

"oH."

"oH."

"OH"

"OH"

"stop fucking copying me dave i just brithed."

"fine ya fucking skinless baby."

"dae i think that im birthign again. check my armpit."

"oh." dave lifted up dirks arm, on his armpit there was an entIRE FUCKING TREE BEING BITRTHD "HOLY SHITU IM SCRED"

"AH DAVE DAVE DAVE IM CUMMING!"

"wat. dude, you're giving birth right now the fuck is wrong with you?"

"AH!" dirk just came and looked at dave. "helpu."

"we're getting a divorce."

"bitch we aint even married, we're siblings, we cant get married."

a single tear slid down daves cheek. "you get the right side of the house, the crsusty side. i want the goat and th e left side that has the pool."

"wot...."

"you can have the cow."

"dave...."

"im dying inside."

"oh..."

 


	5. im so tired guys im sorry for this

"dirk i think im birthign right now. like this second there is something coming oout of me."

"oh. if it makes you feel any better i killed henry."

"that does make me feel better thanks." daves screaming now. there is an octopus coming out of his eyes. "DIIIIIIIIIRK FUBUFBEJB"

"oh."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" theres a tree coming out of his mouth.

"dave should we take you to th e hospotal."

"what the fuck do oyu think pussy?"

"yes."

"yes. to the hospital plesas e my love." and oh no, bill dorito ciphers child just came out of daves nostril. "oh. dirk i think im birghtn out of my clavicle."

"oh. get the fuck in the car."

"ok." dave scarmvled towardds the car and got in, sstill birhting out of teverything. "dirk john fucked me in the ass the other day."

"u fucking cheater."

"sorry." 

"shshsshshsh im driving." dirk was like 'vroom vroom drive drive'

"john told me taht he is in the homosex for me."

"i dun care."

"ok."

FLASHBACK TO THE OTHER DAY BECAUSE I SAID SO

john caressed daves cheek. "dave."

dave got blushy blush and put his hands on johns shoulders. "what?"

john grinned and whispered, "i am in the homosexes for you."

dave le gaspued and blyshed darker, "i am in the homosexes for you too."

john gently kissed dave. dave gently kissed back then sTARTED FUCKING EATING JOHN SIKENYOU THOUGHT I WSA GONNA DESCRBIBE KISSING NOPE DAVE JSUT FUCKING STARTED EATING JOHNS LIPS AND SOON CONSUMED HIM AFTER UNHINGING HIS JAW LIKE A SNAKE

john is dead now. "nnnnnnnooooooooooooooo"

END OF THE FLASHBACK (dave vomited john up and they fuckde like there was not omtoroe)

dave turned to dirk holding a pineapple. "i just birhted this outta my clavicle."

"oh."

"if it makes you feel any better before john fucked me i ate him then vomited up and then we fucked."

"that doesnt help."


	6. cuddles yeah thats a thing in this chapter

dave and dirk were on the couch. "lets cuddle crusty hoe." dirk said.

dave nodded, "cool, lets." he snuggled up to dirk and wrapped one arm around his toes, wrapping his other arm around dirks teeth. "this is nice."

dork put ihs arm aounrd daves ovaries and shoved his other hand in his eye. "yeah. noice."

the two stayed like that for loke 7 hours. after the 7 hours were up, they stopped cuddling and got up. "we should go do something."

"like what?" 

"i dunno. carnival?"

"sure." dfasve and dick did the flip flop drip drop all the way to the carnival. they got on the ferris wheel and when they were at the top, dirk was like, "smooch. we gotta kiss."

dave shrugged and kissed dorkadonk. then all of a sudden jake fucking english appears. "PIP PIP DOODILY DOO DORK WHY R U CHQARNIG ON ME WITH YOUR BORTEHR?!"

ditk pull back from kiss and patted jakes ass cheek. "there there it is ok. do not cri."

"FUCK YOU DIRK I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME IM PREGAUNTE WITH YOUR CHILD!"

"oh." then jake fucking jumpred off the ferris weheel and did a spin landeing on a clowns nose. 

"OH HI GAMZEE"

"hOnK"

davinsh look confused now. dark look at dave and hit him. "why."

radish looked more confused. "what."

"i dunno. let og home and cuddle?:"

davie nodded and got off the frereeos wehele flashstepping hom. dirk did the same and pushed dave on the bed after making himsleg neaked. dave brunt his clothers off and pulled dirk to his chest. davour wrapped an arm around dirks nose, wrapping the other one aorund daorks asshole. dave wrapped his arm aound daves clavicle, wrapping his other arm aound daves smaller intestine. "davuoet i lov u soi sis much."

"i lvo u yoo brother." thw autheor currently cant fucking sEE

dirj bit down on daves nipple and ate it. "yum yum."

dave moan at least this loud. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~" he cum everyhwete

now they are drowning in davoeytes sperm.

dikr tri best ti drunk all of cum. he did it and vimited. "ew."

"rude."

dirk ate daves d=tngue. "im a cannibal."

"ive noticed."

dork ate dave eyebrow. "so delicous,"

"i know." dave ate dorks eyebrows and hair. "like spaghetteirrr."

"ueah." dick ate daves other nipple and then belly btuton. then dave ate dirks teth. 

 

teh ned. im gonna die.


	7. i dont fucking know anymore

spork just lick dave until he die.

the ned


	8. help me i need to stOP

dave pap dork until he go "AH I DONT CAM"

diork ate a bird nest and humped out of the bukung. dave confuse. he pop his hair and hump into the next room tring to find jonh.

"JOHN WHERE R U" john wqas in tolite he got sutck. 

"IN BATHROOM SQYABLD" dave hump intoe the bathrubg and scrub sceuba a dub dub.

"WHY R U STUCK INT OILET."

"i dropepepeepepepeppepeped my hair folicle and i need that."

"oh. make snes." dave hump out of the room and outside. "dorkadirkadirtasnort where r u?"

"i r hump in this stee." 

"ih the tre." dave hump to the tree and hump dirkordirk out ouf it. "i hekp dear brotheree and lovered."

"thank u i lost you."

"i lost me too."


	9. i dont even know whats going on anymore

john sniffed daves eye. "sir i think you have pompous knee syndrome."

"wot" dave bit his teeth.

"pompous knee syndrome."

"oh. john im prgenaunt wiht your hcild."

"niiiiiiiiicce."

"im birthinge." dave just birthed a single tooth out of his weanus. "there." he picked it up and hnaded it to joh.

"im hingru." john fUCKING TOOK THE TOOTH AND UFCKING ATE IT WTF JONH

"nooooooooo henrietta!!!!"

"oops." john and dave got up and went to store. john gound lemnos. "dave i read smut late at night." he fuckinh inhaled all the fuvkinig lemons and walked away

dave are confuse. he walk to watermelon and fnid a spider. he punch spider and broke efvfery single one of the melons except one with his mighty punch. he walked away and found pumpkins. he looks inside and found dirk and jake. "dirk are you cheating on me?"

dirk shake head. "no. me and pip pip doodily do are having a chat."

"oh. have fun." dave went and find john. john was inhaling boxes of cereal. "jorgn stahp that is no nice. you horse."

john burp and stopped. "oop. let go dinfd bee fucker and crab fucker."

"yee. let go." the two humped out of the store and bumped to a house. "knock knock motherfucker." dave lick door opened and screm.

karkat and sollux were on the couch fucking. "GUYS WHATT THE FUCK WHY WAS THE DOOR UNLOCKED??!?!?!??!"

karkat paused hsi thrusts and looked over at dave. "come join us or leave." john got a blushy blsuhy. 

"ooooh. kinky." john walk over to them and jonh in. he burned his clotsehs off and dave quickly left.

dave hump back to house and find dirk alone and naked in the dishwasher. "bro...are you ok?"

dirk looked up at dave, stragiht in th eyes. "party hardy."

"oh."

 


	10. hows it going homos

dork ate davours food and bounced out

dave anger he find john and fuck him

yay aggressive sex

after fuck dave and horn bump out of house naed and lubed

they find dirkadonk 

dirkadonk is no longer breathing

yhen end

im ready for death btw


	11. i couldnt think fo a good name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry  
> my friends wanted me to update this  
> you know who you are  
> fuck you

dave and dork are sitting on the couch. oh no dork is cri. "dork why u cri? is it because im saggy?"

dork shook his head. "n-no! its because the table is crusty!!!"

"oh. ok. u want to take steamy shower?"

dorkadonk nod and stand up, walking to the bathroom. davour follow him and get nekkid. dorkidick do the same and turn weater on, getting in when it was warm. dave get in as well and hug dirk. "i love u"

"i love you too lovelyely brother."

dave realease hug from dork and get hair wet. dirk stare at him lovingingly, daves hair was like a sad bowl of wet noodles, he love that about dave. dave wash himself slowly, not realizing that dorkadick was watching him. dork smile and get down on knees. "imma suck your dick."

dave get all blushy blush and yell, "oral, yes please!!!! lets meet in the middle and get all icky sticky!"

"no thanks." dorky stand up and smooch daves cheek. "we do that later pls."

dave sad. he sniff and cry. "but why later?"

dirk stared into dave's eyes and said seriously, "because my neck, my back, my anxiety attack."

"oh, thats like so rude."

"sssh, it goes in my belly button but that doesnt matter anymore."

"im leaving." dave hump out of shower and dress in a thong and crusty dusty ugly avocado shirt before going to bed.

dorky donk sad, he sniff out of shower and dress in a pair of ugly house underwear. he go to bed and lay next to dave, wrapping an arm around daveours ovaries and the tother aroung his teeth. dave give smile and put hand in dirks long intestine and finger his eyeball. dirk kiss dave cheek. "im sorry for being rude."

"i accpet yeur apology. sing me asong so i can sleep."

"ok, i lvoely you."

"i know"

"arent you gonna say it back?"

"it back." daves sassy

dork roll eyes and start singing. dave grin and close eyes, he lOVE dork voice, he think dicks voice sounded like a box of dead chickens being thrown in a river.

dave fall asleep, dork do too after some time.

dave soon wake up and whisper to his lover, "dirk, my eyes are juicy."

dirk open one eye and raise eyebrow through the roof. "you're a tit mother."

"dirk, please, tickle my pickle."

dirks eyes and eyebrows widen in surprise and he gicve large nod and SMIKE BRIGHTLY AND LARGELY LIKE A CREEPO "ok."

they get naked. dirk look at dave, "steve, can i put this in your hole?"

dave nod, dirk attempt to put fuck rod in daves black hole. he missed.

"sir you missed my hole, youre supposed to find that hole like youre steven hawking."

"eeyyy bo burnham." then they fuyck. afterwards dave eats a snazzy bagle. 

 


	12. yeah two updates in a day wooo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im dead inside

"but dave! you said it was beaned!!!"

"wot."

"i dont know!"

"oh."

ghd nedc


	13. i struggled to write this bc i couldnt think of anything

dirk is tired. he go to couch and lay nicely and softly. so g e n t l e. dave plop down next to him and look at him. "dick?"

"yes brotherrrrr?"

"i have frozen veggie water, would you like some?"

"no thanks. i enjoy drinking lint from clothing much more than that." dave nod and drink his veggie water, while dirk rest his head on dave thigh. "dave?"

"yeah???"

"i lVOE YOU SO MUCH"

"lovely you too" dave pet dirks face. 

dave smile like a creep and continue. "dork im stroking your page."

dick gasp. "le gasp! dont touch my pear! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

dave stop. "sorry sudedude."

"dave, burpy my flurpy."

"not today."

"ok"

dave start singing that one song, the one, its called 'mickey mouse clubhouse'. dork smeel and listen lovinglinglu. he love that daves voice was like a turkey neck being thrown at someones eye. it sound so gooooood.   


suddenyl a wild vurska appareas. oh no. she si screaming bout somethign. her voice was like a watermelon being beaten with a blunt chicken breast  


"yeah, vriska, sssh, i punch beauty gurus all the itme too..." dirk say with a glint of hope in his nostril.  


vrusmka gaps and smiled, unching dork in face. "omg!!! ME TOOOOO!!!"

dave glared at dork. "dwight, you ignorant slut"  


"my name is no dwight"

briske is gone. now ther is spider web everywhere. 

dirk turn to dave after sitting up. "arti--choke me daddy"

dave nod and the two went to bedroom.

 

HA CLIFFHANGER BITCHES FUCK BFIEJBKFE


	14. yeah theres a lot more coming

dave and dork are sitting on bed. dork is naked. so is dave. dirk look at dave with a pleading look in hsi front toe. "daddy please...choke me."

daver blush blushy and nod, wrapping his hands around dorks neck.

dirk is hard, his dick is large and raging, the size of king kong, destroying buildings. dave choke dirk for longer than needed.

OH NOOOOOOO

dirk is dead. dave look at dirk curisiolu. "dirk? aren you good?"

dirk say nothing, he is dead. dave start to cry and shake dirk. "dirk, answer me!"

tears fall onto dirk's rapidly cooling body as dave continued to try to get dirk to answer him.

dave kiss both of dorks eyelids and open them, looking into dorks orange eyes once more. 


	15. i todl you ehter was more comign

SUDDDENYL dork close eyes and mumbled, "stop breathing in my eyes"

  
dave gasp and hug dork tightly. "dork! i thought youd ided!!!!!"  
  
"well i didnt. i was napping." ha sike yall thought he dided.  
  
"thats r u d e s i r"  
  
"how?"  
  
"because thats what moths do"  
  
"oh....you sound too much like a rockstar"  
  
dave srrucnh his face up and make igt rellay gyhuly. ugly.  
  
"never make that face again"

"bible sprok. i mean spork."

"waht." dirk are confues. that sad.

"dave, im older than hens, if i die, its fine."

"no its not." dave hump away and dress himself in a single sock and a tie, one glove on his hand and tiny little top hat on his dick tip.

dork sigh and sit up, follwing dave.

dave is found by dirk sititng in the kitchen drinknig some apple jucce. dirk sit in frnot of him. dave sniffed as a single tear slid down his face. "bro, why does my apple juice have to be so juicy? they taste sad..."

"i dunno. but dave, im so sorry..."


End file.
